I need to preface this entry, for this was written a bit ago. And I had to just let it set.
I feel like I am shedding skin on this blog. Or peeling an onion as I tell my children. Getting to the core of life. And so much of it as of late has been heavy, heartfelt, and filled with emotion. I really am not a sad person. I have energy and vitality that doesn’t quit. However. There are those quiet moments, when the chatter is not there. And the brain unloads things that need to be said. Both for myself and whom ever reads these entries. Yes some are heavy.
But sometimes that is what life is. It is very, very real. And it needs to be said.
Brutal, brutal honesty.
You want to deny it. You feel deep in your gut that this isn’t ‘right’ to be thinking these thoughts. But you are human.
And you can’t change that.
You remember when it started to happen. Like it was yesterday. Even though it has been years. The realization.
You will be a widow. It was the farthest from your mind. You were looking forward to the sweetest of years ahead of you. Traveling, loving, taking time to grow even more richly in your relationship, doing things together that were new for the two of you. Savoring the love you have created, nurtured, and enveloped as part of your being.
But then, things changed all that.
Events that brought deep sadness. The realization that your partner of decades might not pull through this. Are you ready for this?
To navigate the second half of your life alone? You don’t want to go down that path. Because you realize so completely that your thoughts shape your future. And the relinquishing of an illness is acceptance of the impending outcome, with knowledge and surrender. No. You don’t go down that path. But it is too late isn’t it? You have already had this thought enter the darkest corner of your mind. Your possible reality. Already, the grieving begins.
You fight the thoughts. The deepest of sadness in your very soul. Your dearest love will be crossing over. You change your thoughts with such intention. You can not dwell on the future. You are present this very minute. Embracing the time you have. However long that is going to be. A day goes by. A week. A year. You feel so blessed, that he continues to be here with you.
One year turns into two years. You are so grateful. So very grateful. Your life has been focused on your loved one. Setting aside your own needs that drive you as a being. You watch, you love, you hold on tightly. But you know that he is slipping away. The journey has been one of hills and deep valleys. And it -‘the prognosis’ – is vague. Deep in your being, you wish they would just be honest. However doing that relinquishes the soul to travel on. And you aren’t ready for that, and neither is he. Your own soul weeps. You know again…after years of being strong…that the time is slipping by, and the inevitable is closing in on you. You will be a widow. The tears flow and the ache in your heart is deadening.
This conversations that your soul has had with you in those dark corners, you realize, has been loving, nurturing whispers. ‘It will be ok.’
But it is not something you are wanting to acknowledge – ever. You can’t even broach the care you yourself are craving, for your loved one is steeped in the pain and in his own realization that time – whatever that is – is continuing to expend itself. Your partner, knowing that the future will hold you in solitude. Not as we.
One day, your loved one makes a comment about the years to come. What that may look like. Will you seek another? Will that person fill some of the voids that were never completely filled? You can’t take those words out of the air. They have been spoken. The acceptance of a future without. The grieving quakes inside. For you want to be strong for them. To have faith. To support them with strength. It is so hard to do. You find yourself in the quietest of moments, weeping with such pain, that you don’t know if you will survive.
But you know you are strong and the soul whispers to you ever so gently again….’It will be ok’.
The years come to a close. And your loved one crosses over. The shedding of the tears are more like a flood. Of longing for them to be back here with you. But again…you know at some point in time, you must move on – or you yourself will be relinquishing life – for death – of yourself.
Now your days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months. And you feel your loved ones’ presence. With comfort, your home is a sanctuary of the love you have spent over the last chapter. It is a blanket. Every day, you return to this place of peace. Time moves. Through deep reflection and embracing of who you are, you move. And you do find strength. From those darkest of corners where your soul has been protecting, they slowly breath into your being the whispers of those longings. To be happy again. To feel whole again – however that looks.
Be brave. You are filled with knowingness. Wanting happiness. Wanting to live life to the fullest. However, that awareness that you are widowed changes things. ‘Grieve.’ they keep saying with their eyes. ‘Grieve. It is ok to grieve.’ But you have been grieving for years! You want to bring happiness before those dark recesses make you decay. Sadly, an internal struggle is born out of all of this. How can you be seeking happiness? It has been such a short time since their crossing? Again, the guilt of having such thoughts comes flooding back. They don’t know you have been grieving – for years.
Then, there is this sense. Of the strongest of love, in the very core of your being. It radiates through your soul out into the Universe. And you know. Your loved one wants you to be happy. To move on. Because honestly? They are right here, still, beside you. As one soul in this grand Universe, you are still united. This love you shared continues. As an integral part of you. It will never leave. And it will only multiply with your loved ones’ guidance for you. Helping you from the other side – to continue on. To live. To love.
You, and only you, will know when it is right for you to continue living. And so, bravely, you are truthful to yourself. You know what makes you happy. What elements of the human condition are important to you. And you venture. Not knowing what the future will hold. But you are brave, because you are seeking so strongly to live.
Softly, the soul whispers – “Be brave“.
Living fully – carving a life,